Archive for March 4th, 2009

Have you wondered why the divorce rate is so much higher today than it was fifty years ago? So many people think back to the good ol’ days when couples aged into their nineties, still sitting on the front porch in rockers hand in hand. For most people, it seems times have just changed. It is common for people to blow it off by saying women or men just aren’t bred the same anymore. Blaming the other sex or using other excuses is easier than facing the hard work that goes into sustaining a marriage long term.

A lifetime marriage is not just a matter of sipping tea together on the front porch. It takes dedication and true commitment as feelings, personalities, and life situations change with the years. You don’t give up on your exercise routine just because your muscles get a little sore, so why would you give up on your marriage when you hit a rough spot?

Here are five things you can start doing right now to save your marriage, no matter what the issues pulling the union apart may be.

1) Recognize the real issues. There are all those things that you fight about on a regular basis, and then there are the real issues that cause all those petty disagreements. The real issues are based on emotions and often are a result of unrealistic expectations of what marriage is supposed to be like.

For example, a wife’s long working hours may cause feelings of neglect in her husband. The husband may have the expectation that he be a priority in her life and that they spend a lot of time together as they did while dating. If she is more wrapped up in her work now, those feelings of unmet expectations and neglect will come to the surface as arguments over her forgetting to pick up milk on her way home. Yet, her remembering the milk is not going to fix the underlying problem.

2) Identify barriers outside the relationship. Consider a nagging mother who is always putting down your spouse and making negative comments about her clothing, the way she talks, or any other part of her life and personality. Consider that demanding job from the previous example above, or a group of friends that you spend a lot of time away from home with. Most people try to keep work, extended family, and other groups of friends separate from their home life, but any of these people or situations can make your home life with your spouse more difficult.

If you find a parent who does not love your spouse is causing some doubts or fueling the negative talk inside your own head, then you would need to set aside the opinion of your mother and remember all the reasons you fell in love with them to begin with. You would likely need to ask your mother to stop making comments about your spouse, even if it means you simply don’t discuss your marriage with your mother in the future.

A demanding job or any other situation that takes one spouse away from the family for extended periods of time may also be adjusted to improve the marriage, if needed. For our husband above, if his wife acknowledged his feelings and agreed to be home earlier a couple nights each week to spend time with him a lot of their arguments could clear up immediately.

3) Don’t tell; show. Over the years most couples begin to say “I love you” on autopilot. They say it every time they hang up the phone or leave the house for work, but the actual emotion that used to be conveyed through those words are no longer there. If this has happened to your marriage, it is not because you no longer love one another. It is more likely because you have grown too comfortable in the relationship and the stress of life has gotten in the way of true emotional connections.

The good news is love is best displayed and felt through actions. Fill up the gas tank when you know she will be using the car in the morning. Cut the grass while he’s at work so he can relax with you for the evening. Watch the new baby and let her take a hot bath and a long nap. Take some of the pressure off your spouse and watch the flame come back into your marriage!

4) Get to know one another all over again. After the honeymoon phase passes, marriages become like old blue jeans. They are comfortable and relaxed, yet not as supportive or clingy. That’s awesome for kicking back around the house, but it’s not always so great for a marriage. Get too comfortable and you let your guard down. You stop trying to please one another. The little things we just discussed get forgotten and usually you stop spending quality time alone together.

Add children into the mix and alone time goes right out the door. If your marriage is struggling it is time to make it a priority once again. Watch movies together snuggled on the couch while the kids sleep if you can’t get a sitter. Do whatever it takes to make being together, laughing together, and loving one another a priority once again.

5) Seek Outside Advice. If you cannot agree on the real issues or you feel you are not getting through to your spouse, you will need to seek professional direction. If you cannot afford actual counseling sessions, then go for a good book or make use of other online resources.

There is no excuse for sitting back and crying as your marriage deteriorates further and further. You don’t get to those good ol’ times of holding hands on the front porch without a little work along the way. Everything in life worth doing takes time and effort. Incorporate these 5 into your life and begin today to save your marriage!