Archive for March 5th, 2009

Living in a home filled with hostility and negativity leads to a lot of bickering and possibly all-out scream fests. A marriage that has deteriorated into extreme chaos can even cause physical discomforts if the tension becomes too intense for the people involved to handle emotionally. Similarly, a strained marriage can lead to the couple not speaking to one another at all, and the silence or waking to find the other one slept on the couch again can be more painful than all the screaming matches others have.

In these situations it is understandable to feel as if you have to escape, to get out of the home before you lose your sanity. Few people can take that kind of stress for very long, and in fact no one should have to. If there are children inside the home understand they are feeling all of that overwhelming tension, hearing every fight, and are catching the smaller cues of marital problems such as odd silence at the dinner table or cold stares at one another.

So, what if you do walk out the door? Can separation help a tense marriage, or will it only make things worse?

In many instances a voluntary separation can actually help in the long run. Being in separate houses for awhile will give everyone time to de-stress, relax, and start to think about the problems. Some people will also be able to think deeper into their own issues and problems and start to solve them on their own, which will make the marriage stronger when the couple reunites.

If you can come together to decide on a length of time for the separation and the rules as far as when contact will be made and whether it will be by phone or in person, your chances of it going smoothly are higher. Also, understanding what each person expects from the other during the separation is crucial so that you can both do your best to live up to those expectations.

Having such a separation takes a lot of sacrifice and emotional control when things between you and your spouse are tense. It is so easy to storm out the door in the middle of an argument, but it is harder to sit down and say to your spouse’s face that you think a separation is in order. Make sure you clearly tell your spouse you love them and want the marriage to work out, so that there are no misunderstandings. Also share why you feel it will help and let them know how you are feeling at the moment.

Sometimes, just knowing their spouse needs a separation is enough to make a person realize how bad things have gotten in the marriage. Besides a voluntary separation, some couples may also seek a legal separation. These arrangements are expensive and longer term, and if they involve lawyers the negative tension will likely be made even worse. Working it out together gives you both the chance to move forward in your life with a lot less stress in the household.