Archive for March 12th, 2009

Anyone who has ever stepped out of a marriage for physical or emotional comfort knows how difficult it can be to restore the relationship once their spouse finds out about the affair. Whether it be a one night stand based purely on lust or a year long side relationship with someone you had genuine feelings for, it is possible to restore the holy matrimony between you and your spouse.

The first step on your part is to thoroughly analyze the reasons you cheated. Just blowing it off as “being a man” or “taking a slip” isn’t good enough because if you let yourself off the hook too easy you are more likely to do it again. You need to dig deep and determine whether you really had feelings for this other person, or if something else was going on.

If you did not fall in love with the other person, then there is something else that led you to the affair. Ask yourself what you got from this other person or from whatever it is you did together that you no longer get from your spouse at home. It could be as simple as not getting the physical and sexual attention you crave or as complicated as feeling everyone in your life has let you down, so you have to get them before they get you.

The reasons will be different for everyone, but I guarantee there is something there that allowed you to let your guard down and turn outside the marriage.

Presenting the reasons you went outside the marriage to your spouse can be a touchy situation. You want to let them know that there are things lacking in the marriage that you need in order to be happy, but you want to avoid stating it in a manner that blames your spouse for your affair. The blame for this cannot fairly be placed on their shoulders, even if some of their actions or lack of action is at the root of the problem. If your spouse feels you are blaming them they will react defensively and assume you are not willing to work on your own issues.

Being able to express deep regret and strong emotions over what you have done will go a long way, but you will also have to convince your spouse that the problems leading to the affair can be fixed between the two of you. Not you alone, and not just by them changing, but by working together. Without the root cause being exposed and appropriately dealt with, there is little chance of the marriage moving on successfully.

It is not impossible for a marriage to return to happiness and stability after one or both parties has an affair. In fact, it is happening every day as people decide that the problems leading to the affair are in fact worth fixing. If you believe your marriage is worth saving, then roll up your sleeves and prepare for the hard work of making amends.