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Anyone who has ever stepped out of a marriage for physical or emotional comfort knows how difficult it can be to restore the relationship once their spouse finds out about the affair. Whether it be a one night stand based purely on lust or a year long side relationship with someone you had genuine feelings for, it is possible to restore the holy matrimony between you and your spouse.

The first step on your part is to thoroughly analyze the reasons you cheated. Just blowing it off as “being a man” or “taking a slip” isn’t good enough because if you let yourself off the hook too easy you are more likely to do it again. You need to dig deep and determine whether you really had feelings for this other person, or if something else was going on.

If you did not fall in love with the other person, then there is something else that led you to the affair. Ask yourself what you got from this other person or from whatever it is you did together that you no longer get from your spouse at home. It could be as simple as not getting the physical and sexual attention you crave or as complicated as feeling everyone in your life has let you down, so you have to get them before they get you.

The reasons will be different for everyone, but I guarantee there is something there that allowed you to let your guard down and turn outside the marriage.

Presenting the reasons you went outside the marriage to your spouse can be a touchy situation. You want to let them know that there are things lacking in the marriage that you need in order to be happy, but you want to avoid stating it in a manner that blames your spouse for your affair. The blame for this cannot fairly be placed on their shoulders, even if some of their actions or lack of action is at the root of the problem. If your spouse feels you are blaming them they will react defensively and assume you are not willing to work on your own issues.

Being able to express deep regret and strong emotions over what you have done will go a long way, but you will also have to convince your spouse that the problems leading to the affair can be fixed between the two of you. Not you alone, and not just by them changing, but by working together. Without the root cause being exposed and appropriately dealt with, there is little chance of the marriage moving on successfully.

It is not impossible for a marriage to return to happiness and stability after one or both parties has an affair. In fact, it is happening every day as people decide that the problems leading to the affair are in fact worth fixing. If you believe your marriage is worth saving, then roll up your sleeves and prepare for the hard work of making amends.

It is not unusual to have conflicting feelings about whether you want to remain married or cut the strings and become a free man or woman. While it is a very personal decision that will have to be made eventually one way or another, there three factors that often weigh in heavily.

1. Staying married for the children. Children do suffer tremendously from the divorce of their parents and all of the changes that come along with it, but they also suffer from the tension, fighting, and other negative aspects of living with parents who are not getting along.

The absolute best scenario for a child would be for the parents to work through their issues and return to a happy union. Whatever emotional damage has already been created from the tension in your marriage is best healed by allowing the children to see you problem solve and restore peace to your marriage.

2. Affections for someone else. When there is another love interest involved on the side or when one spouse has growing feelings for someone else (even if they are not cheating) this weighs heavily on the decision to remain married or separate. Even if you think you are being rational minded and are trying to resolve the marriage before entering a steady relationship with that other person, you have to assume that on some level in your mind those other affections are playing a role.

In this situation you have get to the root of your emotions for the other person. Are you genuinely in love with this other person, or are they merely filling a hole for something you are not getting in your marriage? The best scenario is when you are filling a hole, because you can work with your spouse to fill up the hole.

3. Financial Considerations. Love and money will forever be tangled. Many people who want a divorce feel it is not in their interest because of the financial strains that will come from paying child support, new living expenses, and all of the legal fees to work out the terms of divorce and get it finalized.

An unhappy marriage is not cheap in terms of emotional pain and stress, and no divorce ever leads to the happiness you think it will deliver. The best scenario is to work out the marriage so that you remain happy and get to keep the fruits of all your hard work. When this is not possible, remember that it is expensive any way you go and base the decision on other factors.

The days of gentlemen sitting at their desks for hours penning stanza after stanza of deeply felt emotion are over, right? After all, who actually takes the time to put pen to paper anymore? We have computers for quick emails and cell phones for text messaging. With the price of stamps, forget putting anything in the mail!

If this is your way of thinking, then you need to reconsider.

Taking the time out of your busy life to actually write a love poem-or to look one up if you aren’t poetic-is actually one of the most special things you can do for your spouse or lover in our times. Just the fact that very few people do it anymore makes it more impressive. Love is what drives a person to put pen to paper and spill their emotions, and love is what will be felt as your object of affection reads your lines.

If you’re thinking poetry is hard, you are correct. If you are thinking you have no rhythm or you don’t know how to rhyme, no worries! Writing anything about what you feel deep inside is hard, whether it be a poem or just a love letter. When you are past those pimply years of raging hormones where every breath you take is filled with emotion, it is harder to get in touch with what your feelings and put them into words. The pressure to create clever lines that flow well together only makes it worse.

And that is exactly what makes love poems more special today than they ever were! You don’t have to be Shakespeare for your spouse to respond to the words you write. Just get them on that paper no matter how many times you have to start over. One way to do this is to just sit down and start writing about how feel about your spouse. You can write about their physical appearance, special times you had together, and your overall feelings toward them. Let the pen flow (or warm up your keyboard) and write whatever comes to mind.

You may be very surprised at what comes out.

After you have that text down in front of you, forming a love poem will be easier. You have material at hand and have explored some of the things you might like your poem to say. Now get busy forming lines, and no they do not have to rhyme!

Living in a home filled with hostility and negativity leads to a lot of bickering and possibly all-out scream fests. A marriage that has deteriorated into extreme chaos can even cause physical discomforts if the tension becomes too intense for the people involved to handle emotionally. Similarly, a strained marriage can lead to the couple not speaking to one another at all, and the silence or waking to find the other one slept on the couch again can be more painful than all the screaming matches others have.

In these situations it is understandable to feel as if you have to escape, to get out of the home before you lose your sanity. Few people can take that kind of stress for very long, and in fact no one should have to. If there are children inside the home understand they are feeling all of that overwhelming tension, hearing every fight, and are catching the smaller cues of marital problems such as odd silence at the dinner table or cold stares at one another.

So, what if you do walk out the door? Can separation help a tense marriage, or will it only make things worse?

In many instances a voluntary separation can actually help in the long run. Being in separate houses for awhile will give everyone time to de-stress, relax, and start to think about the problems. Some people will also be able to think deeper into their own issues and problems and start to solve them on their own, which will make the marriage stronger when the couple reunites.

If you can come together to decide on a length of time for the separation and the rules as far as when contact will be made and whether it will be by phone or in person, your chances of it going smoothly are higher. Also, understanding what each person expects from the other during the separation is crucial so that you can both do your best to live up to those expectations.

Having such a separation takes a lot of sacrifice and emotional control when things between you and your spouse are tense. It is so easy to storm out the door in the middle of an argument, but it is harder to sit down and say to your spouse’s face that you think a separation is in order. Make sure you clearly tell your spouse you love them and want the marriage to work out, so that there are no misunderstandings. Also share why you feel it will help and let them know how you are feeling at the moment.

Sometimes, just knowing their spouse needs a separation is enough to make a person realize how bad things have gotten in the marriage. Besides a voluntary separation, some couples may also seek a legal separation. These arrangements are expensive and longer term, and if they involve lawyers the negative tension will likely be made even worse. Working it out together gives you both the chance to move forward in your life with a lot less stress in the household.